Tom, Leon and Jill Go to Space
by Chris Hollins
There is a saying, “In space no one can hear you scream.” This was proven to be totally off the mark, as the first thing Thomas Burton did upon leaving earth, was to scream into the ear of his co-pilot Leon.
“We gotta go back, I think I left my front door open!”
This was also off the mark, since Thomas has been living the life of a transient hobo for the past 6 days and therefore had no door of which to close. This was because his wife had ditched him and wouldn’t let him live in the house, since he was always playing video games and never did anything useful, such as wiping the petrol off of his T.V. before she could toss a match onto it.
“Tom, I’m a little deaf in that ear, so I’m gonna just press on. Also, try not to yell when I’m flying a spaceship”
Leon had told a lie here. While he was flying a stolen spaceship, he was not deaf in either of his ears. In fact, his senses were perfect. As you would expect from a space pilot as famous as Leon. One thing you should definitely know about Leon, is that he is the one man ever to have allegedly found alien life in space. Allegedly.
Leon’s claims were immediately debunked as the photos he showed were proven not to be alien life, but the decomposing body of a circus performer who had been shot out of a cannon and never came back. This didn’t stop scientists from speculating that the body may have at one point been mugged by aliens, as the performer did not have his circus identification card on his body.
“What’s all the noise? Don’t tell me we forgot something important!”
This third and final voice came from officer Jill Burton. Yes, Thomas’ wife. Jill strongly believed that the performer had in fact been robbed and as a police officer, believed that it was her responsibility to find the alien criminal and bring it to justice. Jill could get promoted and finally be able to afford that new pair of insulated gloves she’d always wanted.
If you haven’t figured it out by now, Leon and Jill had banded together to steal a spaceship and find the alien. Oh, and I guess Thomas just had trouble letting go.
“It’s nothing important,” began Leon, “your crazy husband just said something stupid that I pretended to not hear. Anyway, we are almost at the asteroid that the alien is most likely to be hiding out. I named the asteroid Dogusdroppus.”
“Oh yeah, I see it,” continued Jill, “now, it’d be really nice of you if you could land the ship so I can make my arrest and get home…”
Jill made her way to the end of the ship, into that room where you put on your space suit that no one knew to name of. As she put on her spacesuit, a lighter fell out of her pocket and started floating around the room.
[WARNING. FOREIGN OBJECT IN EJECTION ROOM. PLEASE REMOVE OR YOU MAY SUFFER DEATH OR OTHER SERIOUS INJURIES.]
This loud and annoying message was the ships computer, H.E.L. The artificial intelligence for this spaceship was strictly limited to providing safety warnings, unlike other artificial intelligences which had the special added feature of turning homicidal and killing the whole crew. This feature was intended to bring some fun to those especially long spaceflights, but was eventually removed when the computer accidentally made fun of a passengers hair style while killing his family. Computers should not make people feel bad because of how they look.
Jill was a moderately intelligent person and knew that the pressure in the ejection room would cause a chemical reaction with the lighter fuel and the metal in the spacesuit, which would set off the emergency sprinklers which would set off the personal flotation devices and the whole room would just go up in flames. So Jill carefully put the lighter back into her pocket and was shot out onto the asteroid.
Meanwhile, Thomas was still having a very boring conversation with Leon.
“And one more thing, did you know that pretending to be deaf could possibly offend actual deaf people!” yelled Thomas.
“Yeah, I’m sure all the deaf people really hate me now.” replied Leon.
“I don’t appreciated your sarcasm…In case you can’t tell, I’m very nervous here and you’re not being helpful…”
“Hey, what’s to be nervous about? Do you know how many people I’ve let die in space? Like, five and a half. And those were very extreme circumstances. Just relax, your gonna be all right.”
“Thanks man. Oh, and I think I know why you called the asteroid Dogusdroppus. You know, from the right angle it kind of looks like dog poo.”
At this very awkward point of the conversation, Leon noticed that Jill had already left the ship and was on the asteroid. He also noticed that she had taken the only spacesuit with enough jetpack fuel to fly back to earth…
Jill was surveying the asteroid, keeping her eyes open for any criminal hideouts. Her many years as a police officer taught her to always check the darkest alleyways. This was pretty useless.
“What am I doing?” cried Jill, “all this searching is actually pretty useless!”
Just as she was about to leave she spotted a bright light in the darkness. Without hesitation, she ran over to it and began inspecting the yellow crystal she found there. It was small and round and smelt faintly of ginger beer. Instantly, Jill knew that she was going to betray her ex-husband and some pilot that she’d never heard of. She was going to take the crystal for herself and fly back to earth. And she wouldn’t look back once.
You see, crystals from space are very valuable. Probably because you can put them on your mantelpiece and when people ask where you got them from you can say; “ah, just a little piece I picked up in space, I’m sure we all have one somewhere.” If Jill sold this crystal, she’d have enough money to pay for her great grandchildren’s college course. And if they weren’t very smart she could buy a forged degree.
Unfortunately, at times like this karma usually rears its ugly head. It turns out that Jill had insulted a gypsy a few years back and was now going to pay for it. When she picked up the crystal, her hands slipped and it hit her right in the helmet, breaking the glass and causing her to die a painful death by suffocating in space. That’s just the way the cookie gets stomped on and then nuked from orbit.
Leon quickly noticed that something wasn’t right when he saw Jill’s corpse slowly floating over to the ship.
“Oh my, pfft, what, she’s, ” stuttered Leon, “don’t look, Thomas, but I think your wife just died in space! What a world…Hey, you stay here and I’ll go fetch her.”
In a few moments, Thomas and Leon were in the ejection room with the recently deceased Jill.
“This is terrible…” remarked Thomas, “Leon, we have to get back to earth so I can arrange a funeral and take back my house…”
“Not yet,” replied Leon, “do you see this crystal? It could be worth kajillions of dollars! I’m going to eject myself back onto the asteroid to see if there are any more!”
Thomas sadly picked up Jill’s lighter and examined it, “Okay man, whatever you want…”
“Excellent! Here, take this first crystal and get ready to send me back down to the asteroid. Okay?”
“Okey-dokey.” Thomas walked back into the cockpit and strapped the crystal to the co-pilot’s seat. “All right, Leon, you’re good to go!”
[WARNING. FOREIGN OBJECT LOCATED IN EJECTION ROOM. PLEASE REMOVE OR YOU MAY SUFFER DEATH OR OTHER SERIOUS INJURIES.]
“Sorry, I’m a little deaf in that ear.” snickered Thomas as he ejected Leon to his fiery death.